monkeycrazygod

Hey, its been awhile. I’m tired its been a long eventful day. So heres my lastest journey woahs.

So saterday I did a 5k for junior diabeties. We rasied over 35,000 for the cause! It was really great my sister and neice was there with me. My neice was in her stroller but she didnt like that so she walked some but like a mile into the 3miles she just found some grass and sat her little butt right down. She was tired and over walking, she didnt want her stroller. So I felt bad for her and I carried her the rest of the way. She’s 32pounds, 5lbs more than the weight I lost. My arms hurt after awhile but she had fallin asleep so I just kept holding her and going. I was amazed by how much weight I have lost. Like I really felt it. I know how far I’ve come in this journey and now Im building the strenght to push on. It was a fantastic experience. I felt great about myself after.

Today I was walking around the grocery store. I was thinking of what I need. I’ve always bought the groceries for healthy living..or so I thought. Non fat, Low fat, Low sugar, light, fit. I never eat all the things I buy I let a good portion go to waste because I find fast food more appealing. So today I decided life isnt about low fat or no fat or low carb. Living a normal life is eating healthy by eating what you want in moderation. So instead of sugar free cookies, I bought cinnamon graham crackers and instead of non fat ice cream I got something coffee with more fat but the same amount of calories. Fat is good in moderation! I use to always think oh no fat! But milk fat now and again is okay. Im going to learn to eat waht I want when I want in moderation. Its a step in the right direction.

Today I got up and faced my aniexty head on. I havent been to one of my classes in a long time because of it. I know the professor and I know he will pass me as long as I keep coming and try to catch up with everyone. My heart was racing when I walked up to the door this morning and I kept my eyes low feeling people watch me walk in but I did it. I didnt let it defeat me. I also went and paid a big chunk of the buy out lease for my old place. When my sister gets home in a bit we will go on our walk/jog.

 Everyone of us is going through our own individual struggles and some days its hard to see the light of the tunnel. It so amazing how simple fitting into a pair of old pants, walking into a class room, carrying someone you love to the finish line or buying those chips you never got before because you know you can restrain yourself can make you feel so much stronger than you were. So much more, so much further than yesterday. I look forward to my tomorrows.

This song is great. Lets all Follow Through

Video-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN_grtx8rPw

Lyrics-

Oh, this is the start of something good,
Don’t you agree?
I haven’t felt like this in so many moons,
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction,
As we are standing on our feet.
So, since you want to be with me,
You’ll have to follow through,
With every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you,
You to stick around.
I’ll see you everyday,
But you have to follow through.
You have to follow through.

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive,
They keep me in tune. Oh, look what I’m holding here in my fire,
This is for you.
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You’re so hypnotic on my heart.

So, since you want to be with me,
You’ll have to follow through,
With every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you,(for) you to stick around. I’ll see you everyday,
But you have to follow through.

The words you say to me are unlike anything that’s ever been said.
Ahh, and what you do to me is unlike anything that ever been.
Am I to obvious to preach it? You’re so hypnotic on my heart,
So, since you want to be with me. You have to follow through, with every word you say. And I, all I really want is you, (for) you to stick around. I’ll see you everyday.

So, since you want to be with me, you’ll have to follow through with every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you, (for)you to stick around.
I’ll see you everyday, but you have to follow through. You have to follow through. You’re gonna have to follow.
Oh, this is the start of something good.
Don’t you agree?

Hello there interweb friends and lovedo nes. How are you all doing tonight? I come to you happy. I just finished dancing around my room. I love dancing its just sooo much fun! I am going through my own problems but Im feeling extreamly positive right now. I went jogging tonight outside. Its sooo nice. My pants were seriously falling off I was like omg stop! But then I was like duhhh you want that to happen lol. So time to switch pants. I have been lazy with my eating like I ate really good today because I didnt have junk to consume but I could have done better. Ive really been obsessed with music lately. Im waiting till next month when I will start getting a good cash flow again to finish parts of the studio I cant right now. Then I will be out of school and seriously living inside my own musical world most of the days. Then you ladies will probably start seeing some of my music creeping onto my blogs. You can laugh at me hehe

 So the downfall to all this postiveness. Im feeling my anixety starting to push back in my life. I dont feel liek doing anything because of it, just sitting around watching tv. Like Im so freaked out and Im started to make excuses about things and lettign life pass me by again. I can never pin point why this happens it just does and I have to stand up and over come it. I am going to go get my St. Johns Wort and start taking that again. It normally makes me feel much better. Ive made so much progress I dont want to let it fall.

I am feeling myself adjust to this new location and Im starting to get back into my eating/work out groove. I just need to go to class tomorrow and try to ride it out for the next month. I can do it. I believe in me.

I was looking in the mirror today seeing the beautiful again. I love myself. I am wonderful. I just see myself sooo much better and I want to find a way to that place. I was thinking about how we all start off as these pretty little rose buds just waiting to bloom. Im right there…right on the edge. Collecting my plant food, gettign my energy so I can bloom into this positive full flower. My life is so wonderful and I am so blessed but Im not where I belong just yet, Im not who I want to be. But Im working on getting there. The next three months are going to be my testing point. This will be the hump from where I am to where I want to be. Its time for me to step up my game and be on it.

My emotional unavalibilty has gotten worst too. Poor Chris. Hes been getting a lot of cold shoulders but Ive just not been able to take care of me.

Thanks for being amazing ladies!!! Heres some lyrics to my new fav song/ a new band i love.

Video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDGQjC5AJak

Lyrics-

There was a place we used to go
When we were young, the gravel road
We wasted all our summers holding hands, oh
I went to college out of state
A path so sure I had to take it
We promised that we’d be the same
When I got back, you were gone

Now I’m driving around my old hometown
Wondering how I let you slip away
And just when you think you’ve got it figured out
Everything changes, yeah

Do you ever think you made the wrong decision?
What would happen if you ever did it differently
‘Cause just trying to live a life, can be unpredictable
Do you ever think you made the wrong decision?
Do you wonder if you ever should have stayed with me?
‘Cause just trying to live a life, can be unpredictable
And it’s unpredictable

I got back home, the weather changed
They called for sun but we got rain
The gravel road must’ve been rearranged
‘Cause I was waiting there, just like we planned

I did the party thing at school
Got over it, pretty soon
I graduated, thought I made it
But oh no, oh no
So I’m back at the place where I started from
Feels like I haven’t moved at all
When all of the things that you count on begin to fall

Do you ever think you made the wrong decision?
What would happen if you ever did it differently
‘Cause just trying to live ypur life, can be unpredictable
Do you ever think you made the wrong decision?
Do you wonder if you ever should have stayed with me?
‘Cause just trying to live your life, can be unpredictable

I don’t belong here
Where did I go wrong, here?
And I’m feeling older

I can feel the changes all around me, here the come again

Do you ever think you made the wrong decision?
What would happen if you ever did it differently
‘Cause just trying to live my life, can be unpredictable
Do you ever think you made the wrong decision?
Do you wonder if you ever should have stayed with me?
‘Cause just trying to live a life, can be unpredictable
And it’s unpredictable

Ive been feeling kind of bummed lately well not bummed but like letting my anixety about people start to come back so I am starting to take my st. johns warts again. I listened to this song though and it really made things better. Like it just made me better. I felt empowered and strong. Its a good song for that. I thought I had posted it and checked my past blogs. Reading how far Ive come has really helped me tonight. I mean..the way I view eating now has changed soo much in the last few months and Im eating things I never thought I would. I can jog outside and not be afraid of who says what. I have kind of fell back in the body image issues department though. Ive been looking in the mirror letting myself slip back into the not pretty department. I know it will pass and I know I am beautiful always but some days I just fell so ..big..yeah. But I know in reality Im not. I guess more digging to hash that problems core will have to be done. Im happy Im off the next two days. My good friend Mike is coming into town this weekend. I havent seen him in awhile. Im also letting my sleep hours be all crazy like its 3am and here I am instead of in bed….I just had dejavu …god must be trying to tell me something..like go to bed…anyways love all you girls Im still my positive bubbly self just got to get some great excersize endorphines going!! Have a good day tomorrow ladies!

Whenever your feeling blue remember all the wonderful things you are!! This song is a fantastic reminder of that!!

Video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qh3yv4tNkCA

Lyrics-

I’m an angel, I’m a devil
I am sometimes in between
I’m as bad as it can get
And good as it can be
Sometimes I’m a million colours
Sometimes I’m black and white
I am all extremes
Try to figure me out you never can
There’s so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
and powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I’m miserable
Sometimes I’m pitiful
But that’s so typical of all the things I am

I’m someone filled with self-belief
I’m haunted by self-doubt
I’ve got all the answers
I’ve got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I’m up and I am down
But that’s part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
and powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I’m miserable
Sometimes I’m pitiful
But that’s so typical of all the things I am

I’m a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I’m perfect
Sometimes I’m a mess
Sometimes I’m not sure who I am
But,
I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I’m miserable
Sometimes I’m pitiful
But that’s so typical of all the things I am

Hey ladies! How are we doing today? Ive had better days beginnings but Ive made some good choices. The last few weeks I can feel myself going back into my old ways of giving up on life..not so much my new healthy way of life but just giving up. Like instead of going to class I sleep in and stay up late playing on the computer or avoiding life completely. Im loving working but letting myself fall into it again. I was doing os good too but now Im starting to let school freak me out. I think its because my french class is just too much and my teacher is not helpig me at all Ive emailed him like 10times asking for this project information that he supposely sent out to all of us. So I decided today I have time so I will drop my franch class today. yay!! all is well in my world. I finished my 5page paper last night about separation of chruch and state…my teachers going to crack up at this. I lvoe that class/teacher. Tonight I work and Im pretty excited. I love my job. Then tomorrow I go and make sure my apartments ready for the walk through that will take place Friday. Then it will be done. With the exception of finishing paying off the buy out! Yay that another reason Im working so much!

 So yesterday I got a group of Jonas lovers liek myself together who want to lose weight and I showed them al this lovely site and were going to have a challenge through our Jonas cocnerts in August! Woohoo for being hot at the show!!

Life is wonderful and worth it all. Ladies lets get up off our butts and back into our lives! Lets be the leading ladies in our own worlds again and stop letting our brains cheat us out of all the adventerous stuff we deserve! Girls we can do it!

Lets stop letting everyone (exspecally ourselves) that we cant do it, we cant make our dreams come true! Lets prove them wrong! This song is very cute. At first I didnt like it but its one of those songs that you know you will like eventually. They lyrics are amazing! Story of my life sometimes!

video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPPmLZ9dcRA

Lyrics-

Everybody tells me that
It’s so hard to make it
It’s so hard to break in
There’s no way to fake it
Everybody tells me that it’s wrong what i’m feeling
I shouldn’t believe in
The dreams that I’m dreaming

I hear it everyday
I hear it all the time
I’m never gonna amount to much
But they’re never gonna change my mind
Oh!

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know
Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

How many inches in a mile
What it takes to make you smile
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

Tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Tell me, tell me something I don’t know

Everybody tells me
I don’t know what I’m doing
This life I’m pursuing
The odds I’ll be losing
Everybody tells me that
It’s one in a million
More like one in billion or
one in a zillion

I hear it everyday
I hear it all the time
I’m never gonna amount to much
But they’re never gonna change my mind, oh

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know
Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

How many inches in a mile
What it takes to make you smile
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

So here’s the track
Like Catrina makes a
wish Medina
Make em say ‘I’m ready’

Are you ready for it
SELENA:Yeah I’m ready for it
Really ready for it?
sELENA:Yeah I’m ready for it
Let’s get ready for it

I’m on my way
I know I’m gonna get there someday
It doesn’t help when you say
It won’t be easy

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know
Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

How many inches in a mile What it takes to make you smile
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know
Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know
Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

How many inches in a mile
What it takes to make you smile
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know
Something I don’t know, something I don’t know

 Emotionally unavailable people are hard to get close to, and even harder to stay close to. They don’t want a “normal” relationship–they want to be alone, with other people, or off doing their own thing–which invariably does not include you. 

How do people act emotionally unavailable? 
* They’re emotionally distant and extremely remote, except when courting.

* They’re too busy, sick, tired or preoccupied with other things. Their energy, time and life-force are all taken with other priorities.

* They frequently work a lot , and don’t have quality time to spend with you.

* They’re not responsive. They ignore you and your requests, and they don’t try hard to make a relationship work.

* They don’t, won’t or can’t commit to a relationship.

* They may be extremely critical and judgmental, so you may have a hard time doing anything “right” in their eyes.

* They may flirt with other people, and may not value monogamy.

* They may watch TV or sports a lot, read, work-out, or otherwise be preoccupied with something or someone that routinely interferes with their ability to be with you.
* They may be addicted to some substance, such as alcohol, drugs or food, which renders them incapable of being present  and truly available to another person.

* People already married or involved with someone else are 
frequently emotionally unavailable, regardless of what they 
profess.
* They do not place a value on acting with honesty, honor or 
integrity in their relationships with others. They’re full 
of excuses as to why they can’t be with you, do things with 
you, or be available for you.

If it seems that you routinely love your partner more than he or
she loves you, that you express affection, care and commitment more
than you receive, presume that you are involved with an emotionally
unavailable partner. 

Emotionally unavailable people may profess to love you and care
about you, and they may make wonderful promises about your future
together, but they don’t follow through with believable behaviors
that make you feel wanted and secure around them.

Welcome to my life…no I am not with this kind of person…I AM this kind of person. I am so hard headed when it comes to those I love. Just recently I realized how much I need my family and make it a point to spend more tiem with them…yet I can only allow myself to get soo close to the one who truely loves me before I just begin the shut down process. Hes so patient and kind. He puts up with a lot from me but I sabotage it in everyway possible. Somedays I say your aqt the right age you should be settling down but mostly others I say my dreams take me sooo far away from life that it will never work…I dont know what im talkign about or if I really have a point

Tonight I was thinking about parenting and why Im glad Im getting healthy and changing my eating habits and living habits. I dotn want my children to worry about me as I do my parents. Not about my moms health or my dads lungs from smoking so long.

Im also scared of my dreams…liek I know Im working on it more everyday but I just feel as if Im getting no where in this life. Two steps forward three steps back…I have a wonderful plan for this year and so far its not taking full effect because Im not giving it my all. Yes I have been working on music and I started teaching but my weight hasnt really dont much since the beginning of the year and I know why. Ive made too many excuses and let moving/stress from bad relationships stand in the way of my healtheir me. I mean dont get me wrong I still work out and kick butt, and my eating habits are really changing but Im just sitll eating too much crap. I now have more avalible to me health wise to eat since Im eating healthier so I should make that work more and hold myself more accountable. 

 I am only human and I have off days but I know I am still amazing beautiful talented wonderful and going places I cant even imagine.

That is the statement I shall carry with me forever

Todays simple win was having a wonderful salad for lunch with TOMATOES!

 I love this song its sooo great to work out to and just dance around the room. To all my Juliets out there lets check yes to a healither more upbeat life!

video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1R_txIuuio

lyrics-

Check yes Juliet
Are you with me?
Rain is falling down on the sidewalk
I won’t go until you come outside.

Check yes Juliet
Kill the limbo
I’ll keep tossing rocks at your window
There’s no turning back for us tonight.

Lace up your shoes
Ay Oh Ay Ohhh
Here’s how we do:

Run, baby, run
Don’t ever look back.
They’ll tear us apart
If you give them the chance.
Don’t sell your heart.
Don’t say we’re not meant to be.
Run, baby, run.
Forever will be
You and me.

Check yes Juliet
I’ll be waiting
Wishing, wanting
Yours for the taking.
Just sneak out
And don’t tell a soul goodbye.

Check yes Juliet
Here’s the countdown
3… 2… 1… now fall in my arms now
They can change the locks
Don’t let them change your mind

Lace up your shoes
Ah Oh Ah Ohhh
Here’s how we do

Run, baby, run
Don’t ever look back
They’ll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
Don’t sell your heart
Don’t say we are not meant to be
Run baby run
Forever we’ll be
You and me

We’re flying through the night
We’re flying through the night
Way up high,
The view from here is getting better with
You by my side

Run baby run
Don’t ever look back
They’ll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
Don’t sell your heart
Don’t say we are not meant to be
Run baby run
Forever will be…

Run baby run
Don’t ever look back
They’ll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
Don’t sell your heart
Don’t say we are not meant to be
Run baby run
Forever will be
You and me
You and me
You and me

Hello world!!!I’m alive! And back. This last week has been all over the place and insane. I’ve given two lessons so far and its gone amazingly! The little girl is so amazing and such an odl soul.

I MOVED!!!I NO LONGER LIVE WITH THE STRESS OF AN AWKWARD ROOMMATE!!!!I am absoulutely in love with living with my family again. My neice turned 3 yesterday so we had this huge party for her. It was so nice. I feel sooo much has been lifted from my shoulders. I must admit I am not eating the protions I should or on the schedual I should but thats why I am back to get myself back on track. My sister and I went on a walk/jog around the neighborhood the other day and Im sooo happy shes joining me in this. Shes more otu of shape than I, I was proud of the progress I had made. Jogging outside was soooo much better than on a lame treadmill I forgot how much I loved jogging outside. I had stopped before because I wasnt in a safe area but now Im in a nice suburb. So I plan many jogs. I feel more outgoing and adventurous. I dont know why but losing my best friend feels as though it has free’d me in so many ways I can’t explain it. Anything is possible. I can do anything. As I will be in the 230’s by April. The end only 6lbs and I can soo do that.

So Ive also made some huge discoveries about myself such as my mentality towards food is still growing and so is my taste buds. I use to hate pickles, onions, tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, brocolli and most other veggies. But two years ago I fell in lvoe with broc. then I taught myself to eat peppers. The last few weeks Ive been noticing liking the smell of pickles so the other week I got them on my sub and have been loving them ever since. And the other day I finally gave in and popped a cherry tomatoe and I actually kind of enjoied it…I havent maned up to try the big tomatoes yet, I use to really not liek it. I have had a life long battle agaisnt onions in any form. If I saw it I picked it out but Im slowly coming around and I think one day soon I may even enjoy them. Im very proud of this, I changing, Im growing, Im finding myself.

 You have no idea how good it feels when your so use to taking care of yourself and others and feeling insecure in your own place to move to the place you will always feel safe. I sleep better than ever. I wake up and my best friends are all around making me breakfast and preparing dinner menus. Im adding my new veggie love to them hoping they pick it up. Ive realized distancing myself from my family just for the love of a friend was the dumbest thing Ive ever let myself do. I dont regret it because I would never learn to appriciate my family as I do now without that part of my life. I truely believe in the saying Everything happens for a reason.

 This song really says it all in the lyrics. For everyone going through a hard time hold on it will pass, the water will clear and when you feel it in your gut its time to jump ship the best thing you can do is jump ship to a new adventure people come in our lives for a reason, season or life time . This song is sooooooooo true. Hold on ladies, hold on!

 video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoRGeAY8fHU

lyrics-

We don’t have time left to regret(hold on)
It will take more than common sense(hold on)
So stop your wondering take a stand(hold on)
Theres more to life than just to live(hold on)

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

One single smile a helping hand(hold on)
Its not that hard to be a friend(hold on)
So don’t give up stand ’til the end(hold on)
Theres more to life than just to live(hold on)

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When it falls apart
And your feeling lost
All your hope is gone
don’t forget to hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on